CIO: “Did you order the schema change?”

DBA: “You want answers?”

CIO: “I think I’m entitled.”

DBA: “You want answers!!?”

CIO: “I want the truth!”

DBA: “You can’t handle the truth!”

DBA: “Chief, we live in a world that has databases. And those databases have to be administered by nerds using Powershell. Who’s gonna do it? You? Developers? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You weep for your application and you curse the DBA team. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that your application’s crash, while predictable, probably saved the database. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, preserves data integrity.

You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about at scrum standups, you want me online. You need me on online!

We use words like referential integrity, table constraints, and triggers… We use these words as the backbone to a life spent administering databases. You use ’em as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who browses and makes on-line purchases under the blanket of the very data integrity I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I’d prefer you just said thank you and continue doom-scrolling. Otherwise, I suggest you install SQL Management Studio and start coding TSQL.

Either way, I don’t give a NULL_VALUE what you think you’re entitled to!!”

CIO: “Did you order the schema change???”

DBA: “I did my job, I’d do it again.”

CIO: “DID YOU ORDER THE SCHEMA CHANGE!??”

DBA: “YOU’RE ‘TRANSACTION COMMITTED’ RIGHT I DID!!!”